So, I haven’t really written a post in a little while, and to be honest, I just haven’t had the desire. I’m not entirely sure why this is, I just have really been feeling burdened lately and the last thing I feel like sitting down and doing is writing. I write in a journal on a semi-regular basis, and as I was writing the other day, I started to go back and read through some of my old entries. Here’s what I wrote on May 4, 2009:

I prayed today for God to break me. To use me in the way He wants. And to an extent, it downright terrifies me. I am scared of the hits I’ll have to take, the emotional fights I’ll have to go through, the spiritual battles that will be waged over me, and the number of times I’ll fail and feel worthless.

I just can’t take the lukewarm style of living anymore. There is too much going on that I can make a difference in that I can’t sit back any longer. I’m not sure where or how God is going to use me, but it’s time I found out. I feel like I’m destined to do something greater in some way than I am doing now. To be a part of something much bigger than myself.

For me, I think it’ll be spiritual warfare at it’s finest inside my head, but it’s time to go for it anyway.

God, I love you, and it’s about time I started showing how much. Help me do that.

On the day I was reading this, I had been having a really bad day. It just seemed like the world was against me, things weren’t going my way, and I felt like everything in my life was happening just a little too late or too early. When I read this, I sort of fell apart because I realized what had been happening to me lately. It has been a frustrating last month or so, and while many things appear to be going right, there was a lot I felt wasn’t going the way I wanted.

I knew God had broken me for those things that break His heart, that has been very clear over the last six months or so. But I forgot as what cost this kind of life change happens. It had been just as I described, “spiritual warfare at it’s finest in my head,” especially the last few weeks. Satan has been pounding on me mercilessly for the last few weeks, and I was just at a breaking point.

I don’t normally go back through and read journal entries on a regular basis at all, but I had prayed that morning for God to show me something related to the way I was feeling. As soon as I read what I had written last May, it all made sense. It didn’t reassure me that things were going to get any easier, but it did reassure me that I was on the right path and doing the work God wants me to be doing.

I just wanted to share those words not to “toot my own horn,” but to let others know that may be struggling or have struggled lately that if you’re doing what God has called you to do, there will most likely be trials and problems, but don’t entirely give up, especially if it has seemed extra tough lately. Most likely, it’s means you’re doing exactly what God wants you to do, and because of your faith your being attacked. Stay strong, pray, and share it with others so they can pray for you as well.

How have you been feeling lately? Have things been rough for you? What can we pray for in your life?